Thursday, 23 February 2012
CONVERSATION BETWEEN GIRLFRIENDS: THE MYTH ABOUT THE MODERN RELATIONSHIP OR WHY IS IT SO HARD TO COMMIT NOWADAYS?
Girls contrary to guys (?) likes to talk to each other about love, life, feelings and relationships. We can have endless discussions when we dissects the subject in it’s constituent particles. Here is a sneak peak from a conversation I recently had with a Swedish girlfriend living in Paris. Let’s call her Elsa.
Elsa: What’s wrong with guys in this city?
Me: I dont know, I would like to know that too…
Elsa: I’ve been dating this half French-half English guy now for 4 months and we went away on a weekend to his house in South of France and everything was perfect and he seemed to be interested in me, and now he is like so cold, I mean the textos doesn’t have this warmth they use to. It’s like he is becoming very distant. I don’t really know how to interpret that, nor what’s going on..
Me; Maybe he got cold feet, or he thought you guys were moving too fast? Or maybe he was just not that into you from the beginning, just wanted to play around a bit. Guys often tend to be flaky when they are not really into you.
Elsa: Probably, ”The Game” Isn’t it so typical..
Me; Totes, How old is he?
Me: The problem is that guys let’s say between 30 and 35 nowadays sees themselves as relatively young. They think they still have many years ahead to play and date around, before they are ready to get settled.
Elsa: Yes, I definitely feel that too, it’s like a big ’decalage’, especially if you live in a big city. People get married later and guys doesn’t care to commit any more as you say. For us girls it’s a little bit different, we don’t have that much time to waste on BS..
Me: Yes, feels like both guys and girls are more careful. There are more opportunities out there in a bigger city. You want to be sure it’s right, kind of. Even if I personally feel pretty much done dating, I mean, I don’t see myself date around another five years from now…
Elsa: Yeah, at some point you want something serious with someone..
Me: Definitely. Maybe you should start dating older guys? Like a couple of years over 40? 30 year old guys, especially French are kids nowadays. Don’t waste your time on them if you feel it’s leading you nowhere and makes you unhappy.
Elsa: Is that what I have to choose between? To date mentally unstable guys my age or to go for someone divorced with two kids who never wants to go out anymore?
Me: Haha, yeah I know, totally, but it could be an alternative.
Elsa: Why is communication so hard these days?
Me; The selfish generation doesn’t communicate. We consume. Its like; ”next”. And we are not very connected to our true feelings. We are just interested in seeing our own market value increase. I don’t wanna be someone like that.
Me: My relationships I had in Sweden wasn’t like that. They were pure. Love and respect with another person with a soul and a conscience, like it should be. I miss that. I think people in big cities are getting more fucked up and disconnected to their feelings in some way…
Elsa: I have more or less the same experience. In Sweden there isn’t such a big gap between guys and girls as here. You are more on the same level and can refer to the same things. You are more like two human beings, more gender neutral. There isn’t this constant seduction going on.
Me: True. Pros and cons; I love the simplicity of a relation with a Swedish man but also like the fact that French guys often are being true gentlemans, etc ,which is really important too.
Elsa: Why do you think there is so much gaming going on with French guys? It feels like certain guys nowadays don’t wanna play with open cards, they want to ”keep many doors open” at the same time so to speak..
Me; That’s true and a very good question. I think insecurity is a big reason, you constantly seek confirmation that your market value is on a steady level. It’s different from guy to guy though. Some people have it in them more than others. If I like a guy, and we are dating and then suddenly If I see that he is turning flaky or start gaming with me I sort of tend to take a step back..and stop my feelings, if I’m in the process of developing some, it’s self protection.
Elsa: Yeah, you don’t wanna be the pushy one, normal. I’m the same. But I think girls can act like that too. Girls and guys are more alike than we like to admit. Sometimes we also just wanna date someone for ”fun. It’s a difficult balance finding someone who is on the same level as you, the moment you wanna turn it serious. There’s nothing wrong with having a sexual relationship only either, but then it should be an agreement and without feelings. When guys are simulating a romance with you just in order to get laid, thats when it starts to get creepy…
Me; Definitely. I agree… I just want a descent, nice and honest guy, who can imagine to commit one day in the future, why is that so hard to find? It’s like it’s getting harder and harder to find a descent man for every year…
Elsa: The market is harder nowadays, everyone knows exactly what they are looking for. You know what you want in a guy, you are much more picky than before, more blasé and disillusioned too. There are more aspects involved, such as social circles, the higher up in the society you play the more compicated it becomes, thats my experience.
Me: That’s prolly a part of the explanation I guess, yes.
Elsa; Btw, have you thought about that guys, and particularly more serious and ”good guys” can see you as a player as well? You are like hot, going out a lot , know lots of people, etc
Me; I don’t know. No, guess I never thought about that. Some maybe, who doesn’t know me well enough. That’s a pity in that case. I mean I’m not 23 anymore and you know I am very serious and extremely honest in a relation if I like the guy.
Elsa: Of course I know that, but they might not know it. French guys can often be pretty prejudiced. You know, they like to see people as stereotypes. If you are a blond girl and you go out a lot, then you are automatically like this or like that…
Me: Totally. Is there anything worse than prejudiced and close minded people? They also tend to have this patriarchal pathetic old vision about Swedish girls as some kind of easy -to-get sex godesses…
Elsa: Feels like certain French guys seems to be like that with foreign girls. They are like gonna play around and when they decide to marry, it’s gonna be with some French boring woman from a ”good” family who is a good candidate to present to mum and dad and then she’s gonna be his housewife.
Me: Yes, I know, I call it ”serf-ish stone age complex”. I wouldn’t like a guy like that anyway. It is this ”Madonna and Whore” syndrom which very much influences mens way of thinking even in our generation. It has to do with upbringing and cultural differences, but is much more pronounced in latin countries. It’s a bit like this old ”Men are form Mars and woman from Venus” myth. In my world guys wants cool, independent, creative girls with good values, but with a personality…
Elsa: Sure, latins are more conservative when it comes to relationships than we are. It’s like if you have sex with them on the first date, they could never initiate a serious relationship with you. Swedish guys might not be super romantic, but they do have true values and they will respect you.
Me: Yes, but should the modern woman really have to submit to that the longer you wait to sleep with a guy the more likely you are to get married, doesn’t that feel a little bit antiquated? I don’t say I am FOR sleeping on the first date, I’m not for different reasons, I just think guys should upgrade their thinking a little bit on certain things.
Elsa: Totally, and then we have this thing with infidelity also, which in a French relationship or marriage seems to be a rule rather than an exception. It’s just a question of time before the mistress is brought into the bedroom..
Me: The way they look at that shocked the hell out of me when I first moved here. I mean, we Swedes are brought up a totally different way when it comes to that. I think, if you need to cheat, why be in a couple in the first place? Be single then for gods sake! Or have a true, straight and honest communication about that you would like to bang others and agree on doing it. Like that no one gets hurt.
Elsa: Word. There we have it, the communication again…
Me; French guys have probably grown up seeing their parents having affairs. Swedes on the other hand are raised in more equal families where their dad also cooked and took them to kindergarden.
Elsa: But I mean on the other hand does everything have to be so strictly monogamous in a relationship? Isn’t that a bit old fashioned too, to believe in strict monogamous life -long lasting marriages?
Me; That is a very interesting question I can’t really answer, the question is widely debated at the moment. But as I said before I think that if a relationship should work in the long run, when you are married and so, you have to be very very open with what you do, have a good communication and be very honest with each other. Like to draw lines and sort of define from the beginning what is ok or not…
Elsa: Feels like this is a subject we could discuss forever , doesn’t it? So, what is our conclusion of this discussion?
Me: That we either turn lesbian or start to date only Swedish men.
Elsa; Come on Lindsay, do you give up?
Me; I was joking, let’s go to Le Baron!